So, it’s nearly here. The day I have been dreading. Tomorrow morning I will awaken, no longer in my twenties. I will be 30 years old.

It’s a terrifying age to be. All prior landmark birthdays are cause to celebrate because we spend so many years wishing to be older and now I reach the first where I wish I was young. At least when you hit 40 you should be well prepared for Death’s cold hand reaching for your shoulder for that really is the end of all things (see blog ten years from now for info).

Anyway, I have spent my day looking for reasons turning 30 is a good thing and I can find very little apart from unencouraging shite such as ‘you are an adult’ and ‘you can start living now’. Thanks, here’s me thinking I was a dead child.

The only one that is remotely comforting is that 96% of Gay people have realised their sexuality by the time they’re 30. Might not sound like much but it is somewhat of a relief that I won’t wake up one day with an urge to watch Sex and the City or suck on someone else’s penis.

In my experience there are some advantages to  turning 30:

1. You don’t have to take shit anymore – There is a time when you wake up to the morons who inhabit this world. After decades of taking other people’s bullshit you realise once and for all that you don’t have to. I’m a big boy now so kindly take your face for a shite. Although be careful before you tell your boss or partner to politely go and fornicate with themselves because there’s just some shite you have to put up with.

2. You can give advice to people – It will all be useless to anyone but a small child but at least you can start a rant with ‘when I was your age’.

3. You can tell your parents what to do – They’re getting old and heading towards infirm. What the fuck do they know about this world, sure they’ve forgotten all the good stuff…and they don’t understand Twitter.

4. You can do what you want – I pay the mortgage therefore I can stay up all night and throw faeces at the walls if I want to. I can live on crisps and red bull if I want to. I can stay up late on a work night if I want to. This kinda breaks down due to the fact that I don’t want to. I want to have a cup of tea and a lie down.

5. You can…you can…ahh I give up.

Basically there’s nothing you can do that’s any different than when you were 29. There are no profound thoughts on the meaning of life. Nothing really changes, it’s just another day in the drudgery of existance and you’re as confused about things as ever.

If that’s not reassuring enough to those of you close to the big 30 then here are some words to keep you sane:

“The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits.”
Hervey Allen, American Author

Ok, maybe not but thanks for letting me know I’m Middle Aged you Dick.