Rapture This

So, here we are at the end of all things. The world is going to end tomorrow…apparently. That is, according to Christian Radio Broadcaster Harold Camping who has got his wee calculator and his bible out, done some Stephen Hawing style maths and discovered that the day of the rapture is 21/05/2011.

I hand you over to www.lifeslittlemysteries.com to explain the unexplainable:

“He (Camping) believes Christ was cruxified on April 1, 33 A.D., exactly 722,500 days before May 21, 2011. That number, 722,500, is the square of 5 x 10 x 17. In Camping’s numerological system, 5 represents atonement, 10 means completeness, and seventeen means heaven. “Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story,” Camping said on his Oakland-based talk show, Family Radio, last year. “It’s the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you’re completely saved. I tell ya, I just about fell off my chair when I realized that.” ”

Simples.

What should we do I hear you cry, stock up on bog roll and Jaffa cakes or just get naked and start the world’s biggest orgy? Well, neither. Or the orgy if I can bring my camcorder and some baby wipes.

Anyway, it seems that our religious friend has been at this nonsense before.

This particular butterbean claimed in the early 90s that 29th of October 1994 was the big date. Auld Harry must have felt a little silly, sitting in his best party frock waiting for God who, as we know, was late to the party.

It is funny when these nutbars use particular passages in the bible to their own end. Ten minutes of internet research and I found Matthew 24:36:

“But of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father only” –

Jesus (allegedly)

In English I suppose this means that it’s a bit like trying to guess the end of “Murder She Wrote” halfway through, only Jessica Fletcher really knows who did it and will tell us in her own time so maybe try reading the whole book next time you silly auld coot.

On the other hand, if his magic calculator happens to be right, don’t worry. No-one will give a Fuck come tomorrow, there’ll be more important things to worry about.

N.B. During my research I found this passage in the bible and swear I pooped a little laughing:
“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!”

He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord.

Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.”

2 Kings 2:23-24

If I could command the power of two bears against anyone who called me Baldhead I would be at church every day.

19 thoughts on “Rapture This

  1. I actually hope the world does end. The human race has been such miserable caretakers of this planet, that we ALL deserve to perish. Yes ALL of us. Don’t give me the lame response of “speak for yourself”. I am including ALL of us, because we are ALL responsible for the suffereing and torment we have caused each other and especially the animals on this earth. I also hope that many of you die a painful death because of your egotistical ways and your hate-filled hearts. What ever happens – I’m ready. I just hope ALL you rotten scum who have messed this world up, get what you deserve – eternal torment!

    1. “I also hope that many of you die a painful death because of your egotistical ways and your hate-filled hearts” ??? “I just hope ALL you rotten scum who have messed this world up, get what you deserve – eternal torment!” ??? Seems someone has some major issues.? Just sayin’.

    2. Hate much?

      You skipped the pages on generosity and compassion, and instead focussed on the Old Testament and on Revelations. I highly recommend reading the whole thing, or else risk following a shallow, contemptible, bastardized version of something you are likely to incorrectly be calling ‘religion’.

  2. To Martin,

    With all due respect …SHUT THE HELL UP. If like expressing your feelings of your hatered towards other people, go “like” the “Satan” facebook page and write and their wall to people who actually give a fuck.

    Thank you :)

  3. “Going TOO far”?! I don’t even think that’s possible!

    From the Phelps Phamily Phools to the “minister” In Florida (with about 50 members in his ‘church’) who insisted on burning the Koran despite certain knowledge that equally deranged Muslims would endanger the lives of military personnel, or those who think “well the Bible says…” is a FINE reason for codify their religious beliefs into civil law, one would have to go REALLY far, a screaming campaign of torture and murder perhaps, to even come *close* to the abuses perpetrated in the name of religion!

    Here is what I think is happening. Science and technology have advanced to the point they have cast some of the Bible’s more “creative” stories into doubt. Noah managing to get 2 of every species (millions of them) onto a boat he built himself, for example, or Jonah living inside a whale UNDERWATER. etc. Those are just two examples. Pick your own favorites. Once you admit that, well, those are just stories, not *literally* true, then the truth of any of it becomes a matter for debate, you can no longer point to any of it and say, “OK, *this* part is true!” And that is a terrifying thought for many believers because then they’d have to think for themselves instead of using the Bible as an all-purpose book of rules which isn’t to be questioned. So instead there has been an rise in Fundamentalism and Biblical Literalism, an insistence that EVERY WORD of it is literally true in the face of vast and compelling scientific evidence that says it can’t be. That kind of thinking is behind Camping’s coded Rapture prophecy, just as it’s behind the existence of a “Natural History Museum” in Kentucky that insists the Universe was created in 7 24-hour days, is only 6,000-10,000 years old, and Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs. I’m not kidding, this is what they INSIST is the truth though it’s hard to imaging they don’t have some lingering doubts assail them in the middle of the night. And they want their cockamamie theories taught in public schools.

    I don’t really have a problem with faith or belief IF IT’S KEPT IN PERSPECTIVE. So far as I know no one even has a theory for what started The Big Bang, so that alone leaves a lot of room for interpretation and faith. But when you start DEMANDING that YOUR interpretation of the Bible is the only correct one, that the writings of people who didn’t even know better than to get their drinking water from the same place they dumped their sewage is the rock-ribbed TRUTH and should be made into law, then I have a BIG problem!

    This Rapture prophecy is just the latest incidence of having others’ religious beliefs crammed down our throats. And many of us, including believers, are sick and tired of it! So a sacrilegious joke is HARDLY going “too far,” in fact some would argue that it’s hardly going far enough in the face of the daily egregious abuses in the name of faith and religion.

  4. Ok, now what? December 21, 2012 according to the Mayan calendar cycle? Is it gonna be a massive solar flare that could obliterate the world? Maybe we need to get ready right away or simply expect Superman to save all of us.

    1. @Lois G.
      Just because the planets will align doesn’t necessarily mean it will produce a series of catastrophic events that would end the world. The planets within our solar system aligns within a cycle of every 5,200 years. And what? The earth is like is around 96 million years old. So, i give them Mayans, who couldn’t even predict their own demise, a big LOL.

      PS.
      I pity those idiots who ACTUALLY spent away their life savings and/or quit their work ’cause of believing a senile old geezer.

    2. It doesn’t matter because they are building massive ships to ride out the destruction, and as long as we are related to or friends with John Cusack we can expect to find a spot on them.

  5. Dec 21, 2012 –
    Pool party / kegger at my place. If you’re going to be in CA, USA that date, let me know and I’ll send directions.

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