As I child of the 80’s I am baffled by the current trend of reworking classic TV shows for a new generation. So many shows are being made into feature length, usually animated, movies which generally fail to capture the magic that captivated us as kids. This leads me to question whether or not kids TV of old have actually stood the test of time and can hold the attention of today’s youth. Kids so desensitised to sex and violence may not be as enthralled by the shows that kept me glued to the TV when I was a child.
Although, after mulling it over, it seems that if we look a little deeper and explore the hidden depths of certain TV gems we may just find out that when it comes to 80’s kids TV there certainly was ‘more than meets the eye’.
In a world of little blue creatures one stood above the rest. His ability to grow a bushy white beard gained him the title ‘Papa Smurf’ from a very young age. In later life, sick of the capitalist exploitation of the workforce Papa Smurf embraced Communism and decided to start an all male commune based on the core principals of cooperative living. As time passed the same sex commune became rife with homosexuality. In an attempt to curb this practise Papa Smurf approached a local genetic scientist by the name of Gargamel. The scientist perfected his gene splicing technique eventually creating the world’s first live sex doll to appease the high sexual appetite of the little blue creatures. Alas Smurfette was born into a life of sexual servitude.
The tragic story of a police officer injured in the line of duty and then rebuilt to be a crime fighting machine. Unfortunately what was to be the pride of the service turned out to be a disaster. An early prototype for the subsequent RoboCop programme, Gadget was let down by improper mental health screening. Authorities failed to notice his unsuitability as a candidate for such an experimental procedure. His obvious mental retardation, further exacerbated by a clear cut case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, created immense shortcomings in the project. Unfortunately these issues were only brought to light when his niece, Penny, was no longer able to cover up his shortfalls. A childhood lacking in schooling as well as frequent immersion in the criminal underworld led her to a life working the streets. The final straw came when her beloved pet dog, Brain, was assassinated in a drive by shooting which ended in her eventual nervous breakdown. After meticulous investigation no-one was ever brought to justice for the crime although it is widely believed that the hit was sanctioned by Dr. Claw, head of the M.A.D. Army Council. Gadget was eventually retired from the force and after years of searching for work finished up his days as an early version of the iPad.
Prince Adam spent his days living a life of luxury as a member of the Royal Family of a distant planet. However he soon became bored and craved excitement. After years of misery he finally found his calling as a Gay Porn Star under the pseudonym ‘He-Man’. Soon even this wasn’t enough for the Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder afflicted Prince forcing him to take his persona to a whole new level. He took it upon himself to clean up the planet of Eternia by declaring war on a group of Homophobic Monsters. Unfortunately He-Man’s idea of justice was slightly skewed and in the end had little effect on the situation due to the fact that his solution to every problem was nothing more than waving around his ‘magic sword’, a trick learned in one of his previous films. Who amongst us will forget the final episode where He-Man and his nemesis Skeletor finally give in to the intense sexual tension between them culminating in the now infamous but beautiful nonetheless Skull Fucking scene. It was like the pottery scene in ‘Ghost’ but on the back of a big green cat.
The most sinister of all 80’s TV saw a career pedophile attempt to kick his kiddie habit by marrying a short woman and forcing her to spend her time in front of a camera in the basement dressed as a schoolboy. Legal pedophilia for the masses yet it all seemed so innocent at the time.
So there you go a look back at the TV shows that kept us interested as kids. It seems that on reflection there was certainly a sinister element to each of them that I’m sure would keep the attention of any ASBO child.