How To Put You Off Safe Sex
I was minding my own business in Boots recently and came across this monstrosity.
Category: Opinion
For All Intensive Purposes
I could feel my body instantly tense from the immediate and unmistakable revulsion. That body blow feeling in the stomach usually followed by the clenching of teeth. It was the sort of anger that takes control of all your actions urging the onslaught of ultra-violence. I knew the end of the sentence before it’s time had come.
IT’S TOO COLD TO SNOW Continue reading “For All Intensive Purposes”
Are You An Internet Asshole?
1.Internet Asshole
Someone who’s an asshole on the internet. This same person probably can’t get away with being an asshole in real-life. Most internet assholes are either too lazy or too retarded to hold a real job.
2. Keyboard Warrior Continue reading “Are You An Internet Asshole?”
‘Take Me Out’…The Back…And Shoot Me…In The Head
As I sat, watching the screen, I found myself wondering how we came to this. As a society I mean. Now we all know that the Saturday Night TV Schedule is full of soul destroying shite to keep middle aged women occupied while the kids are out having the fun they wish they were having. One of the more recent additions to the line up is ‘Take me out’.
It is very di
fficult to describe the format of the show. It is as if Paddy McGuinness had dug up and raped the bloated corpse of Blind Date leaving behind the post mortem abortion that is this show. A show where a lonely male weirdo is paraded in front of 30 whooping and gyrating women who he has to impress into a date. Watching this initial part of the process makes me think that this is what it must have been like for any Christian unlucky enough to piss of the Romans. Continue reading “‘Take Me Out’…The Back…And Shoot Me…In The Head”
Event Horizon
So, I have a confession to make. I was sitting watching the TV, minding my own business, when it hit. One of those moments when you catch yourself doing something and it causes you to re-evaluate your standing in the world, your choices in life, and your progression through the grand maze of existence. I put a tissue up my sleeve.
Now this m
ight not sound like much to some but the repercussions of such an action hit me like a thunderbolt. It brought back memories of my Gran pulling a tissue from her sleeve like some sort of snotty magician, lick it and wipe my grubby child face with it. Years after I noticed my own mother constantly having that concealed weapon look with a tissue up each sleeve ever ready for that critical moment when a sneeze attacks. It is an action as synonymous with old people as not knowing when you’ve farted or pissing yourself.
Now I was going to try and make excuses about the fact that the trousers I was wearing at the time didn’t have pockets but that just makes it worse. I’m actually starting to think the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle pyjama bottoms my girlfriend got me for Christmas may not be as cool as I think they are. But then the Ghostbusters ones are definitely cool, aren’t they? Continue reading “Event Horizon”
Not So Red Hot Dutch
As we walked along the cobbled street, admiring the stunning architecture of such a beautiful city, my eyes couldn’t help but wander. The paradoxical clash of worlds so far apart is an intense experience to say the least. Every building stunningly designed and crafted so many years ago, the character of the tiny cobbled streets, the unique smell that hangs on the corner of any quintessential European City and of course the fat Asian prostitute staring back at me. Continue reading “Not So Red Hot Dutch”
Bah Humbug
Looking out of your window you would swear it was Christmas. Well, it isn’t. Don’t let the snow fool you. Just because some idiots have had their decorations in the window since Halloween doesn’t make them right either. No, it doesn’t make you more ‘fun’ than the rest of us or happier either. It makes you a Knob.
Christmas is a pain in the hole and everyone knows it. That ‘magical’ time of the year when we’re all supposed to wish for world peace and love each other. Well that’s just balls. Continue reading “Bah Humbug”
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
This world is a wonderfully crazy place. When we look around at those exalted few who are meant to lead their subjects politically, morally, religiously and socially it is almost the height of humour. At least it would be if some of these knob heads didn’t have their finger on a big red button that could potentially end it all. Let’s take a look at a few of these characters.
Let’s start with the obvious – Continue reading “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”
One Foot in the Rave
Getting older is a horri
ble experience. As I hurtle towards the big 3-0 I find myself spending more and more time thinking about how I got to where I am. It is that time in life when you start to realise you are an adult no matter how hard to fight it. After much soul searching I ended up with one unanswered question. When do you finally think ‘Fuck it’ and give in to Adulthood?
Most of us spent our twenties still doing the same old shit we did when we were teenagers. Out on the town, on the pull, trying to impress the wee dolls. Then every one of us gets to the immortal juncture in life that begins with the phrase ‘It’s very young in here’. Suddenly your favourite haunt seems to be letting an awful lot of kids in. Of course this is a conspiracy perpetrated by paedophile bouncers to get at some young ‘uns. Nope, you’re just getting older. Continue reading “One Foot in the Rave”
More Than Meets The Eye
As I child of the 80’s I am baffled by the current trend of reworking classic TV shows for a new generation. So many shows are being made into feature length, usually animated, movies which generally fail to capture the magic that captivated us as kids. This leads me to question whether or not kids TV of old have actually stood the test of time and can hold the attention of today’s youth. Kids so desensitised to sex and violence may not be as enthralled by the shows that kept me glued to the TV when I was a child.
Although, after mulling it over, it seems that if we look a little deeper and explore the hidden depths of certain TV gems we may just find out that when it comes to 80’s kids TV there certainly was ‘more than meets the eye’. Continue reading “More Than Meets The Eye”
Chris Writes 