I hate wearing glasses, it sucks. It’s not just the fact you have two walk around with two lb of glass and metal attached to your face but once in a while you have to make your way to an opticians and get your eyes tested. It’s a shitty experience only made worse by the sizeable bill at the end. Even the buy one get one free deal doesn’t make it any more palatable.

The other day I made a trip to specsavers after putting it off for about 2 years. I could spend a few hundred words telling you what happened but my Facebook status updates tell it so well. The growing strop started in Specsavers and went on right up until I got home, here’s what happened:

09.43am

Hate the stupid puff of air test at the opticians. How bout I blow in your eye and you not blink, bitch!!

10.05am

How come some auld half dead bastard gets his heart meds for free and I have to fork out £225 for glasses? His meds might keep him alive but without glasses I wouldn’t see the bus coming towards me at high speed. Cameron, Clegg, Jebus, get the fecking finger out!!

10.23am

Some people fight for Ulster, Some fight for Ireland. Well now I stand before you good people and ask you to fight for speckys. Let us grab our torches, pitchforks and growing, if slightly unearned, sense of indignation and march to specsavers. For God and Shortsightedness. Tiocfaidh ár clean and clear lenses. CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE GUIDE DOGS OF WAR. WE…ARE…COMING!!!

By this point I was ready to go and contact Eamonn McCann to recreate the Raytheon job in a High Street Opticians. But then I remembered I Fucking Hate the Socialist Workers Party and their little stall in the centre of Belfast that is as gruesome and annoying as those Anti-abortionists with their pictures from the Butcher’s window.

I’m sure I’m not the first person to feel this away about having to fork out so much for a pair of glasses. They wouldn’t charge you that much to cure cancer FFS.