Are You An Internet Asshole?

1.Internet Asshole

Someone who’s an asshole on the internet. This same person probably can’t get away with being an asshole in real-life. Most internet assholes are either too lazy or too retarded to hold a real job.

2. Keyboard Warrior

1. A Person who, being unable to express his anger through physical violence (owning to their physical weakness, lack of bravery and/or conviction in real life), instead manifests said emotions through the text-based medium of the internet, usually in the form of aggressive writing that the Keyboard Warrior would not (for reasons previously mentioned) be able to give form to in real life. 2. The term is a combination of the word ‘keyboard’ (the main tool by which the person expresses his/her latent rage) and ‘warrior’ (due to the warrior-like aggression, tendency towards violence, headstrong nature and propensity towards brute force as a means of resolving conflict rather than more subtle means dependant on finesse). 3. The Keyboard Warrior seeks to use the power imbued in his ‘weapon’ to effect death and destruction (in a strictly-metaphorical sense) upon his foes (other virtual identities he has encountered on the internet). In essence, the keyboard (ie. text input ability) allows the keyboard warrior to manifest his true warrior nature in a safe and removed environment, from which no real-life repercussions . 4. Keyboard Warriors are generally identified by unneccessary rage in their written communications, and are regarded as ‘losers’ by other virtual identities on the internet.

We’ve all come across them, most of us are one from time to time, some live to be one. Otherwise known as a keyboard warrior the internet asshole is here to stay.

The glory of anonymity allows people to be pricks without the usual, mostly physical, repercussions normally dished out in the real world. Now before one of these assholes decides to take offence at the following article and his/her typing fingers get to work quicker than a monkey trying to find his own nut sack, let me clear a few things up :

1. I have a job; writing is a hobby for me.

2. I didn’t study English and don’t give a fiddler’s fuck about spelling or punctuation. Spell check isn’t a talent people.

3. You will no doubt give off about Chris Writes being a Pseudonym . It doesn’t take a genius to work out my real name.

4. If you still haven’t worked it out feel free to ask me (

So, back to the issue at hand, are you an internet asshole? If you recognise any of the following signs then I would bet that you are:

You lurk on Forums like a Paedophile on a playground.

You use terms such as Fail/Win when referring to someone’s ability to talk shit about someone else for no other reason than to give your own pitiful existence some meaning.

You use terms such as Lolgasm.

You’re a spammer.

You talk about Trending.

You give a shit about Trending.

You tweet all day and night.

You tweet more conversational titbits than you share with real live people.

You mock other people’s Blogs and then post a link to your own pointless ramblings. This usually ends up in you passing on the same comments to others that were previously made about you causing the ‘Dark Times’ in your life i.e. suicidal thoughts and self harm.

You ‘do’ photography in your spare time.

Your online profiles are littered with Black and White Photographs of pointless inanimate objects, the contents of your handbag or old people.

You have ever taken or posted any of the following clichéd photos:

1. A close up of you with sunlight coming from behind you partially obscuring your face. Oh what an enigma you are.

2. A photo of you taking a photo.

3. A photo of you in a position that you would never find yourself in during the length of any normal existence. Head between legs, rubbing your face in some sort of self sexualised pose or sitting cross legged at the side of the road. Ok, maybe you would be used to the last one although the photo would be more realistic if you didn’t hide the copies of the Big Issue you happened to be selling that day.

You ever use the anonymity of the internet to tell someone you will kick their ass. No you won’t. You couldn’t beat shit if you had a stick with nails in it.

You bully people online and then when anyone has a go at you then suddenly you play for sympathy as the bullied one.

You repost/retweet/incessantly link to your loser friends all examples of your bullying. Or do the same while crying about being bullied yourself.

You secretly hate yourself when your attempts to make a fool of someone goes horribly wrong and your nasty nature is revealed to the world.

You claim some sort of socialist manifesto or proclaim you and your internet buddies as champions of the people. The mask slipped when you put AdSense on your blog, dickhead

You lambast corporations for putting on talent competitions that actually serve struggling artists because they sell alcohol and of course alcohol is such an evil in this world. Your point would be well made if there weren’t newspaper articles out there describing your arrest for assaulting the police while pissed out of your head when you should have been at home looking after your children. Oh how proud of mummy they must be.

You write reviews of bands just because everyone else is reviewing them, ignoring the actual talent out there, and then try and sell yourself as a connoisseur of local music.

You attend gigs because you read a review on the band by an actually accomplished blogger and decided to try and blag an interview so you can feel like a professional. I’m sure you’ve never felt closer to the ‘music industry’ when you were blowing the lead singer in the stinking alley behind the bar, beside the steaming fresh puddle of tramp piss that slowly meandered down the slight gradient leaving you with the classy, Rorschach style blot on the knees of the jeans you spent more money on than the food to feed your bastard kids.

So there you go, some sure fire ways to spot an internet asshole. I would bet that most of you could recognise something in there. I’m certainly guilty of a few myself although I assure you I have never blown the lead singer of a band.

Maybe the internet would be a better place if we didn’t all hide behind it but instead were a bit more honest about ourselves rather than spending our lives taking chunks out of other people. It’s not their fault your life sucks now, is it?

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