So, I have a confession to make. I was sitting watching the TV, minding my own business, when it hit. One of those moments when you catch yourself doing something and it causes you to re-evaluate your standing in the world, your choices in life, and your progression through the grand maze of existence. I put a tissue up my sleeve.
Now this might not sound like much to some but the repercussions of such an action hit me like a thunderbolt. It brought back memories of my Gran pulling a tissue from her sleeve like some sort of snotty magician, lick it and wipe my grubby child face with it. Years after I noticed my own mother constantly having that concealed weapon look with a tissue up each sleeve ever ready for that critical moment when a sneeze attacks. It is an action as synonymous with old people as not knowing when you’ve farted or pissing yourself.
Now I was going to try and make excuses about the fact that the trousers I was wearing at the time didn’t have pockets but that just makes it worse. I’m actually starting to think the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle pyjama bottoms my girlfriend got me for Christmas may not be as cool as I think they are. But then the Ghostbusters ones are definitely cool, aren’t they?
I tried desperately to dismiss this action as a one off. I was a victim of circumstance, had no option, just following orders. Like the Nazis. With tissues.
Soon after I found myself doing something else slightly unusual. When going for a pee I decided to tuck my phone into the waist band of my trousers. First of all why the fuck would I need my phone in the toilet if I’m not dropping a brown trout and also, there are better things to tuck into the waist of your trousers. Like a gun. Or your penis.
Now for any of you girls out there who are now wondering why you would tuck your penis into your waist band let me just clarify. There is a critical moment in any teenager’s life where you must think fast and act quickly in order to save you from the most embarrassing thing in the world, namely being caught with a hard on.
Any teenager will spend large parts of the weekend in bed and inevitably the morning will come when the smell of bacon will waft into the bedroom and pinch your nose like something from a Tex Avery cartoon. You will awake with a smile on your face and a lump in your pants. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bacon boner, it is what we would call morning wood. That time of the morning when your penis wakes before you do.
At this point the young man is faced with a decision to make. Lie in bed and let the breakfast go cold or venture downstairs with his stiffy on display. A flash of inspiration hits him, like hundreds of thousands of years of genetic memory, and he suddenly finds a solution. If I tuck it into the waist band of my boxers then it will be secure and hidden from view.
We’ve all done this; every man on the planet has tucked it at some point although I often thought it would be more successful with a bigger penis and tighter boxers. Anyway, I digress. Most men have even tucked it the other way, the Buffalo Bill way. Hey, don’t judge, we’re all curious as to how we would look with girl parts.
I have spent many hours over the last week wondering why I have done what I did. Then all of a sudden, this afternoon, it hit me. I am 30 in a couple of months and perhaps I am approaching the event horizon of middle age. That boundary in space time beyond which nothing can escape, not even your dress sense. It has left me both terrified and curious as to the other suprising actions that will no doubt take place between now and ‘three day’.
Any good ones and I will be sure to let you know.