In the last century we have seen much advancement towards equality in the world. Whether you believe this to be to our benefit or detriment you would surely agree that we have been through a lot. The Suffragettes, Feminism, Civil Rights, Anti Apartheid etc. have all made some sort of attempt to bring about change.

Well I am here to pose a question to those who continue the cry for equality. Why is it acceptable for a woman to own a masturbatory aid but for a man to use one would label him a pervert?
Now don’t get me wrong folks, I am not in the market for such a thing. The thought had entered my head when a friend from my teenage years paid a visit the other day. For reasons that will soon become clear he shall remain nameless. As two teenagers we had discussed this very issue as the welts and blisters on his hands were becoming too unsightly to explain away. So he decided to go along to one of those filthy shops behind Castlecourt to see if there was anything he could buy that would ‘do the job’ for him. As a faithful friend I was obliged to tag along and play the part of giggling mate.
After perusing the shops we saw many sex aids for men, mostly expensive disembodied torsos with ‘Real Feel’ mock Vagina and Anus. I laugh to myself now thinking about it but at the time it was like a Biology field trip. Anyway, my mate decided on the cheap and cheerful ‘Little Miss Lucy’ which was essentially a weird looking sleeve to wank into.

I’ll never forget the freak behind the counter shouting ‘Don’t forget the lube’ after us as we left looking like a gay couple out shopping for something to shake things up in the bedroom.
Later that night he tested his new toy thoroughly, a process that took place on his own in case you are wondering. I was informed the next day that Little Miss Lucy was shite in bed. Of course little did I know at the time my mate had not heeded the freak’s warning, used it without lube and nearly ripped his cock off.
The following day was spent with conversations on whether or not it was appropriate to return a used male sex toy. In the end he had the bright idea of giving it a wash and passing it on to his older brother as a birthday present. Smart choice.
In light of this and the time that has passed since then I found myself wondering if there had been any advancements in the world of Male Masturbatory Aids. So I opened my laptop, did some ‘research’ (*honest) and this is what I found.
The first item I saw was the R-1 A10 Cyclone.

It may sound like some sort of fighter jet but it looks more like the inside of a jet engine. If you think the picture is bad I assure you it looks ten times worse in motion.

So item number one is a sex toy that looks like some sort of industrial juicer yet the manufacturer believes men will love to put their penis in it. It is claimed to be the ‘future of masturbation’. Well I’ll give them that because it certainly looks like the female Terminator’s Vagina. Hmmm Fail.
Quickly on to item two which is the ‘Real Skin Latin BlowJob’.

Now if you think the last one was scary, this little item chilled me to the very core. I mean seriously, what is the need for the nose? I’m not sure any man wants to put his penis into something that looks like leftovers from Jack the Ripper’s Duffel bag. Again Fail.

Thirdly we have the infamous RealDoll.
I’m sure we have all seen these on TV. Admittedly they are a huge step up on those blow up dolls with the constant look of surprise on their face but surely it would be cheaper to invest in a shovel and dig up the freshest corpse you could find because that’s what it looks like. Once more fail fail fail.

Finally on this disturbing insight into male sex toys we have the fleshlight.

Looks slightly disturbing, kind of like the sort of thing you would see hanging in a butcher’s window. Discretion must be a bonus as you can put the lid on and it looks like a torch. It’s a lot cheaper than the rest and apparently ‘It’s easy to use and clean, and is 100 percent safe. With proper usage, your Fleshlight will give you a lifetime of enjoyment!’
Out of all these monstrosities it seems the Fleshlight is the closest thing to acceptable. But then again this is still a Taboo in this world and if women really want equality then please, let lonely, lazy, single men enjoy a wank without having to do it themselves.