I, like many of you out there, am an avid online gamer. A few days ago, as some mates (sorry Billy and Stu, I hope you don’t get in too much trouble) and I were chatting between games of Search and Destroy on Modern Warfare 2, the topic of Xbox widows raised its ugly head. It starts out like it normally does. The familiar whining drone accidently picked up by an oversensitive online headset wasn’t the sound of a UAV overhead but that of a disgruntled partner.

It’s an argument most men will either have heard directly or been told it like some sort of apocryphal tale entitled ‘How I ended up single…again’. It’s the never ending ‘I’m an Xbox Widow’ gurnfest.

Now I am here to right a wrong folks and tell you about the real ‘Circle of Life’. Women seem to be of the opinion that the Xbox is more important to men than they are. This is not the case. At the beginning of any relationship it is in fact the Xbox that gets the widowed treatment first. When a relationship is fresh and new then most men have little time to spend Fragging Russkies or Noobing Islamic extremists. In fact faced with a choice between sex and Xbox then, in reality, there is no choice to be made.

As time goes on though it seems that time spent gaming does increase and the transition is made from widowed Xbox to Xbox widow. But then is it not also true that the frequency of sex decreases as time goes on? Anyone spot a correlation here?

If the situation becomes serious enough to end the relationship then the circle is complete, free to begin again when the next relationship comes along. Also a mental Baboon will come along and hold up your Xbox like Michael Jackson showing off a child with a blanket over his head.

Sorry, got lost in the metaphor there. What was I saying? Oh yeah…

Before I get thrown a beating I must also clarify something. In this instance I am referring to moaning about going online for an hour or two after a hard day at the office. I am not naïve enough to fail to see the difference between needless grief and understandable grievance. If your man is spending every free moment on the Xbox while the kids chew on a plug socket or set the dog on fire then I sympathise and would certainly condone some form of action.

So, Ladies, instead of giving off maybe you should do something about it. My advice would be to try one of the following options:

Option 1
Before he comes home from work get online and get stuck in. Pick up a controller, kick his ass in front of his buddies and swear at annoying kids like a navvy with a stubbed toe. Throw in a good scratch and a fart for effect. Hold up that mirror ladies and you never know your luck.

Option 2
Anytime your man goes near the Xbox just take your top off.

If these don’t work then you could always follow in the footsteps of this aggrieved, albeit crazy, Xbox Widow…

…although I wouldn’t recommend it. Just remember how precious those GHD straighteners are.